As Time Goes By

How Did That Happen

2010-01-27T15:54:00.008-07:00

I was looking at a link Bob sent me and he had a link to "Mom's Blog" which I hit. Lo and Behold!! It has been 8 months since I posted anything, and so very much has happened. I guess we have been so busy with life, that I have not taken the time to write about my life. Here is a quick synopsis of some of the high points.

First and foremost, we have two new members of the family. Troy Robert Kahaku Justus was born on 4 October 2009 a bit premature but healthy and strong. He is the adoptive (still in the process) son of Bob and Jen. What a cutie!! He is growing well and developing so many lovable traits. He has the ability to focus on things for a pretty good period of time, something I do not remember my children doing. He loves the stars that Bob put on the ceiling of his bedroom, and pretty soon he will probably find the planets that are appropriately placed around the "sun" (ceiling light). I have been spending most Friday nights with them to help care for Troy and to help Bob and Jen get at least one full night's sleep a week. I know it is not much, but I only have a limited amount of time.

Sophia Morgan Justus was born on 28 December 2009 in Fairbanks, Alaska. She is the daughter of Brad and Rebecca. I have seen pictures of her and I was able to watch her on Skype a week or so ago. She is so sweet to look at, and according to Brad she is a delight. She is bringing her parents to Denver in mid-February to meet all of the family. I can hardly wait.

My sister was here to help care for Mother when she had surgery in October. She stayed until just before Thanksgiving. Mother continues to recover and is still trying to regain her strength. We are grateful to her doctors, the surgeon, the oncologist, and Heavenly Father for the outcome of the surgery and pray that she will continue to regain more of her strength as time goes on. It would also be nice if she could regain a little of her hearing. I think we need to figure out how to get her a hearing aide.

I have continued working my mission but will be released soon. I am finding it is just too much to work full time, care for my mother, and be available to my family all the while trying to put 25 - 30 hours additional into the mission. I do not feel that I am supporting the mission as well as I should, and have opted to request a release at this time. I will try again when there is more time (when I retire in a few more months).

Bob and Larry have each lost about 90 lbs over the past 10 months, and I have decided that I need to follow their lead. So far I am down 11 pounds. I guess at 63 weight loss is a little more difficult that it was at 35 and I have almost as much to lose this time. I lost over 140 lbs then and kept it off well for quite some time. It is only the last 8 years or so that it has started coming back on and I know most of that has been because of Mother's exceptional cooking and my lack of willpower. She has promised to stop cooking those wonderful gourmet meals and I have promised to limit my portions. We have started the long slow slide.

I am still working hard on our Family History, and we are finally making headway on Daddy's line. That was a really hard one to get going after the initial 4th generation. I can feel the urgency of getting this work done, and I feel that I am receiving a lot of help from the other side of the veil. With all of the new tools, and so much being made available on the Internet, I am sure we will be able to continue to work our way back. Pray for our success. The kids and I are serious about getting this done.

Those are the highlights. I hope to take time now to add some detail and maybe some fun stories in the near future. In the meantime, please take care of yourself, enjoy your life (it is the only one you have), and remember us in your prayers.

Where Did the Time Go?

2009-05-25T17:33:00.005-06:00

It seems like just last year that I was buying tricycles, balls, and kites for my grandson. This last weekend I took my mother and we traveled to West Virginia to attend his graduation from high school. He is suddenly taller than all of us, his voice is much deeper, and he understands how to work with autistic children. I attended a cookout with friends and family and met many of his friends, many of whom have previously graduated or did this weekend. What a wonderful group of young people! They know how to have a good time and yet are able to converse with and enjoy young children, parents, grandparents, and great grandparents. We cheered for their touch football game in the back yard, and clapped for the younger children jumping on the trampoline. When it came time to put the tables, chairs, and other equipment away, they were right there to help.

It was exciting to hear about their plans, some to go on to college, some preparing for a mission, some planning on finding a job quickly. All have positive dreams for the future. It was gratifying to watch the positive interaction of the children with each other and with their parents. What a wonderful family they have crafted. I am so proud of my son and his sweet wife. They have worked hard to bring their family together, and they have done a great job.

I was also proud of the four other children I had with me. They travel well together, and are careful to respect everyones capabilities. It wasn't until we were boarding the plane that I suddently realized that there actually are a lot of limitations that we deal with on a daily basis, and that we rely on one another for so much. I love my family and I am so proud of each of my six children. I love all of my daughters-in-law, and look forward to the day when I will be able to love a son-in-law. I am greatful to a Heavenly Father who has blessed me with so much.

And we just take it for granted.....

2009-03-03T14:39:00.004-07:00

It seems like forever since I added anything to this blog. It isn't because there is nothing to tell, or because I didn't think about it. It is just life. Things have been busy and I too easily find myself in the rut, taking for granted each day, each task, and all of the adjacent activities. Today it struck me that I have not been keeping track of those experiences that make me who I am. So, for the next couple of days I hope to rectify that situation.

Let's start with late January. There was a big Library Association meeting here in Denver. I had the opportunity to take part in that meeting by manning a booth in the Exposition Hall. The booth was set up by the church to encourage librarians all over the world to add the www.familysearch.org site to their desktop. Our job was to get their attention, tell them about the site, and give them a short tour. How does one do a short tour of the site? There is so much available there; databases, the catalog, the new record search, digital books, research strategy, PAF, and PAF companion to name a few. The first catch was that, even though I volunteered for Saturday, they needed me on Sunday; all day Sunday. It meant missing my meetings and taking the sacrament.

You can imagine my mood. It is 7:00 AM Sunday morning, cold and frosty and I am waiting for the train. First, I don't like cold. Living in Denver does not mean I like the cold. Second, I don't like early morning and especially not on a Sunday. I had to get up at 5:00 AM in order to shower, dress, and get to the train by 7:00; and third, I missed singing in choir practice, and sitting with my friends in my meetings. I was throwing my own private "pitty party", however, I went with a smile and determined to let everyone know what a value we had.

Early on there was a gentleman who was interested in what we had to offer. He is a high school librarian, and the school happens to be about 1/2 mile from where I live. He is required to provide a genealogy class once a year, and asked for help. I was delighted to tell him that I would love to help. With enough notice, I can arrange for the time off to help out. I thought, "This is why I am here today, to help the high school students gain an appreciation of family history and their place in their family." Maybe, but....

A couple of hours later a gentleman started walking toward me with a name tag that had a name exactly the same as my cousin's. We started talking and I soon realized that we needed to talk more. His last name is the same as my mother's maiden name, and it appears that his family came from England via Canada. They are the missing arm of the family I have been looking for since 1964. He told me that he would have his uncle, the family genealogist, contact me and we could share records and verify that my assumptions are good. I thought, "Now this is why I am here today, to find the third brother who came from England and trace his posterity." Maybe, but...

A couple of hours later a very tall, very nice man introduced himself to me, and I found out that he is heavily involved with the World Wide Support Mission for new.familysearch.org. He wanted to talk to me about my mission, what I liked about it, what I disliked about it, what improvements can I suggest, how is the software working, etc. We visited for about an hour and at the end of the visit I thought "Now I know why I am here. I love doing family history and now I have made three wonderful contacts that will enrich not only my life, but the life of every patron or family member I come in contact with." Needless to say, there were no more "pity parties" on the return trip. It had been a very gratifying day of serving. I love my mission and I calling in Family History.

Formal Training is Complete...

2008-10-16T16:59:00.005-06:00

Life as a Family History Support Missionary has started. However, I am finding that training will be ongoing for as long as I do this work. The work is moving so fast, changes are constant, and one needs to be open to change in order to function. Lately, I have been on the support line from 7 - 10 Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I will be working on Saturdays shortly. What a wonderful opportunity. I have the privilege of talking to many people who are learning to use the new.FamilySearch.org software.

What is interesting is that I do the same type of work all day, every day, but I enjoy it so much more in the evening. I think it has something to do with passion and the reasons that we use the software. During the day I work with Pension Plan Administrators who are frustrated using new software to submit their companies retirement contributions. During the evening I work with individuals who are finding their ancestors and seeing to it that the ordinance work is done to seal their families together. There is a difference in the approach each is taking to the task and the tools to complete the task and the "long term" effect of the work.

The contribution will affect to some degree the quality of life during retirement (provided there is anything available when retirement comes). Given the market lately, that is very questionable, but I am optomistic enough that I am putting away funds with each paycheck. The contribution software is temporal and good for this mortal life. It is important, but it is not eternal.

The newFamilySearch software is a tool to help with Family History work. It helps us find, organize, and prepare to seal our ancestors into eternal families. The work is valid for eternity. It is not just for here and now. The people doing this work are serving their ancestors as well as their progenitors. Their reward is to know that they have done work for their ancestors that must be done on Earth but will be valid for eternity.

Did I tell you that I love doing this work? I really do. The people that I have had the opportunity to get to know, the trainers, training assistants, mentors, mission leaders, etc. have all been exceptionally wonderful. I pray that I will have the opportunity to continue doing this work for years to come.

Up, Up, and Away.......

2008-10-16T16:22:00.006-06:00

At the end of last month the Senior Family Home Evening group that I belong to provided hot air balloon flights to a variety of individuals from the Ward. What started out as an FHE activity progressed into a High Priest activity, a great way to start a full day. Those attending were High Priests, their families, and all single sisters and any of their children, grandchildren, etc. It was a great family activity that will hold many wonderful memories for the rest of their lives.

It has been a while since I had the opportunity to help with a ballooning activity, and now I have the bug again. I loved seeing the kids eyes light up as they had an opportunity to help get the balloon ready for flight. While we were cold filling, the pilot let the children go inside the balloon to feel the cold wind, see the sun coming through the envelope, and to have their picture taken. They got to help hold down the crown line, and they got to help pull out excess fabric as we were cold filling. There was a lot of jumping, screaming, and tears when the burner started because it is so loud. However, it did not take long for the kids to get used to the sound.

Some of the older "kids" were just as nervous on their first ride as the younger children. However, all were ready for the second and third trips. The rides were not high or long. They went from one side of the field to the other. Once on the other side of the field, the strong men and boys would grab hold of the ropes and the pilot would lift the balloon a foot or so off the ground. The "haulers" would then walk the balloon back to the loading zone where there was a small step ladder available to facilitate getting in and out.

One trip included an unexpected landing in the trees. It added some excitement but did not daunt anyone's enthusiam. The "ground team" quickly removed the balloon from the shrubbery, and visa versa. Then the balloon was reinflated and walked back to the loading zone. Thank you Brother Jones for sharing your special talent. We all had a wonderful morning.

The Job Hunt is on Again......

2008-08-20T12:04:00.004-06:00

I currently work in Broomfield, north and west of Denver, and live in Southeast Aurora (also south and east of Denver). It is 46 miles from my parking spot to work. The commute is generally during high traffic times as Denver is high traffic about 16 out of 24 hours per day. If you drive between 10:00 PM and 5:00 AM you miss some of the traffic, but it is still surprising how much is out there. Add the traffic congestion to the cost of gas, and you get a less than desirable situation. Now, add to that the fact that the company I work for is not exactly paying top dollar (at least not to me) and you get a less than satisfied employee. As a result, you are right, I am on the job hunt again.

To that end, I have set up a Website with jobfox.com. The URL is http://www.jobfox.com/people/SharleneJustus

Feel free to look at the site, and recommend it to anyone you know who might be hiring a Project Manager. I would love to keep the commute to 10 miles or less, and I am definitely interested in raising the pay rate to something more commensurate with my experience.

The good news is that I am employed while I look for a better situation. After the last couple of years with no income, it is good to have "something" coming in. Now I am working on making that "something" enough to actually support us, Mother and me, though the entire month. We have pared down to bare bones, and now need to supplement our income.

Well, "lunch" is nearly over, and I need to get back to work. I hope your day is going well, and I hope you will help in this networking effort.

Thank you,

FHE.... It's good for everyone

2008-08-12T10:30:00.003-06:00

Last night I had the opportunity to attend our monthly Senior Family Home Evening (FHE). It was a delightful evening. This is a very special opportunity for 8-10 single seniors to get together, discuss the gospel, sing together, pray together, learn more about each other, and enjoy a snack as we visit. We have a really fun and motivating group. Our "family" gathers together on the second Monday evening of the month.

Last night David drove and Mother, Teresa, and I were escorted to Bill's home. He treats us with such respect, opening and closing doors, making sure we are safely to our destination. The door was open and Bill was waiting for us with a smile on his face and open arms. We visited, laughed, and joked until everyone who was available was there. The evening started with prayer and a song. Now, you need to understand that we love to sing. Not only that, but we have some wonderful voices in our group. We also have a very good organist David, and a back up Teresa, and if neither of them are available Bill can step in also. As you can see, music is important to our "family".

We discussed our "family business". This week we decided that our hot air ballooning activity will be on Sept. 20th and "0 dark thirty" in the morning. The object is to lift off just as the sun is coming up in order to maximize our time prior to high winds and heat destroying the peace and serenity of the activity. We are hoping that we can get two or three rides done that morning. Most of the "family" have not been ballooning before so it will be new to most. David is also going to bring his boys (4 and 6) to the activity so that will add another layer to the fun. The next activity we discussed was to begin putting together a fireside for the stake. We have designated the fifth Sunday in November (11/30) for the activity. We are asking Brother Handy to present the program "Evidence of Christ in the Americas", which is a slide show that he has put together as a result of several trips to Central and South America as well as many years of study. He has done it previously for multi stake single adult conferences, but we felt that our stake general population (over the age of 12) would enjoy the evening.

The next order of business was a personal profile by Chris. She told us about growing up in Colorado, being in the Air Force, stationed in Japan, and some of the more bizarre places she has been while part of the military. She said that she has been escorted (blindfolded) to top secret facilities, done the necessary electrical work without moving very far one way or the other, and then being blindfolded until she was returned to the starting point. She has seen experimental aircraft, ordinance most of us never hear about, and been in a variety of missile silos. She has worked in telecommunications as a result of her military background and continues in that area today. She is an avid Family History buff and has specialized in Scottish history and "clan" lore.

Teresa gave the lesson on Testimony. It was a simple and beautiful lesson that lifted my spirits. She stressed that the gospel is "Simply Beautiful and Beautifully Simple". She referenced the most recent conference talks on testimony to remind us that a testimony is not a travel log, health or family update, a thank you note, a sermon, or an expression of our love of family. It is bearing our knowledge of the Godhead, prophets, scripture, the atonement, and the truthfulness of the gospel. She reminded us that a simple four sentence testimony, in the presence of the Holy Ghost, is more powerful that any prepared speech or lesson.

We had a closing prayer and sang another song, "There is Sunshine in my Soul". Refreshments were fruit, cheese, and cookies interspersed with plenty of conversation, stories, and more enjoyment of each others company. After a pleasant ride home, again dropping off Teresa, we bade good night to our escort and visited awhile with Porter, my grandson who has been visiting and spent the evening dining with his Aunt Anna. A very pleasant and uplifting evening right to the last.

Training Has Started....

2008-08-06T13:27:00.000-06:00

What have I done? Can I really do this? What a humbling experience this mission is going to be. I am totally dependent on Heavenly Father for this one. The training is intense; every day and every night for the next two months. The agenda is packed with on line training to be taken between the nightly meetings. There is a training assistant for every five students. I am averaging 6 hours of study for every hour of group live labs, and that is only for the orientation. What will it be like when we get into the meat of the training?

Our trainer is in New Zealand; students are from all over the world. There are about 20 in my class. Some of the names are overwhelming to try and pronounce. Yet, all are here for the same reason; to learn how to become the best Family History Worldwide Area Support Missionary possible. Every night class begins and ends with prayer. The overall goal is to make sure that an Area Support Missionary in Colorado has and gives the same information as an Area Support Missionary in Africa or Australia or Tonga or Germany, etc. We fully recognize the importance of having the Holy Ghost with us as we take on this responsibility.

What a testimony builder this mission is. Looking at all of the material available, all of the tools available, and all of the work to be done, it is evident that Heavenly Father's hand is firmly in this endeavor. It is a massive undertaking to locate all of our ancestors, link them to family groups, and then get the ordinance work done for each of them. However, the organization behind this effort; the tools that have been made available; and the support of willing missionaries, consultants and other experts is making this task doable.

What an incredible time we live in. The tools and opportunities are growing and evolving daily, and the work moves forward. I am so blessed to be a part of this work.

200 Have and Have-nots

2008-07-31T16:39:00.000-06:00

I found this list on a friend's blog and liked it. It is basically 200 random activities you have either done or have not done. The game is to bold those things that you have done. Once the list is completely bold print I guess life is over. Personally, I think I could come up with another list of more things to do. Anyway, here is my take at this point in time.

200 Have and Have-nots!
1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked or driven the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible and/or The Book of Mormon cover to cover
86. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all fours
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one
133. Gone kayaking in the ocean
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunchbox
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Gone deep-sea fishing
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous.
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union.
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a campfire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube.
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Commented on a blog.

Feel free to change # 200.

A Goal is realized... A Mission Call....

2008-07-17T13:02:00.000-06:00

Each year the bishop sits with me during the annual Tithing Settlement and we discuss goals. How did I do on the goals for this year? What are my goals for next year? What are my long term goals? You know the drill I am sure. I think this is a very important exercise, and I take it very seriously.

For the last couple of years my long term goal has been to serve a mission. At times it seemed that I had set a very unrealistic goal. I am not able to support myself for a typical mission. All of my savings is gone and I will be working as long as absolutely possible. My health is not the best. In fact, I have so much trouble breathing that I think twice about simple vacations. Additionally, I have my mother, and her support, to think of. That is not a negative, it is just a fact. So, how did I think I would ever be in a position to serve a mission? The desire was still there and very strong. I knew that if I prayed long enough, looked hard enough, and asked my Heavenly Father for the strength and blessing of serving a mission that something would happen; and it has.

Several months ago I received an email from the Church Family History Department about the new family history website. The email stated that there are mission opportunities available to help support the new site. These are very unique opportunities. You serve from home; you serve 16 - 30 hours a week at a schedule you determine. Therefore, I can still work my regular job and still fill a mission working nights and weekends as a technical support person for the new website. I spent almost a month working with the Family History Department to get my browser up to speed, determine my system's capacity to hold the programs, arrange for training, and determine which products I will be able to support. Given my time constraints, late evenings, it is pretty evident that the majority of the patrons I will serve will be outside of the mainland; Australia, New Zeland, Hawaii, Alaska....

As I picked up the mail this morning, I found my mission call. I am almost shaking with excitment. This is a long term goal that I am actually accomplishing. My training starts August 4th. It is official! I will be set apart as a missionary and I will have a badge and everything. Mostly I will have the opportunity to share one of my passions, family history, with the world. I will be able to help others access and use this wonderful new site. I will be serving. I will be in the service of my God.

Expectations.....

2008-07-15T16:39:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how often we humans, especially we very human mothers, inadvertently "interfere" where our presence is not needed or necessarily wanted. It is also sad when such "interference" causes hard feelings between parent and child. My child is 28 years old. She is a delightful young woman, and I have always felt that she had a reasonably good head on her shoulders. I have not had problems with the young men that she dated in the past. After all, she is responsible, has been raised to stand up for her morals and principles, and she has five older brothers if something goes wrong. Now all of a sudden, I find myself acting like the proverbial "witch" (I used a "w"), harping at her and not giving her choice of men a chance. Did she suddenly lose her mind? Where are her priorities? Have things changed all that much?

What a complicated issue! I am going to sort it out here because this appears to be a perfectly safe place to do so. 1 - She is still my daughter, and I think she still has a good head on her shoulders. She is just very interested in a young man who does not happen to live where we do. He does not have the same background we do, which may or may not be a plus, and he has her full attention. 2 - "We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and he loves each one of us." That means He loves this young man and my daughter as much as he loves me (I hope). At the moment he is probably not very proud of me. 3 - "I need to learn to love more." "I need to learn to serve more." "I need to learn to be more patient and tolerant." (I think that is actually 3, 4, and 5.) There is way too much truth in all of those statements.

This young man came from Texas to Colorado to meet my daughter (they have been corresponding and talking on the phone for four months) and her family. We had planned a family bar-b-cue for him. He was nervous and I was not impressed with my first look at him. He wore studded leather (I think), a t-shirt, tattoos, voluntarily shaved his head, and has a goatee. I had just come from church and would rather have seen a young man in slacks, collared shirt, tie, conservative haircut (unless he is follicle challenged as most of my sons are), and carrying his scriptures under his arm. (Alright, we can all dream.)

As we ate dinner this brave soul offered to answer our questions. I asked him about his dreams and goals. His answer was that he doesn't have any ("red flag"). His life has been hard. He has worked since dropping out of school ("red flag"); and he does not feel he has the option of setting goals or dreaming. My thought is that if you do not have goals you will never move ahead. He is just letting life push and pull him along. He is reactive not proactive. My daughter is generally a very proactive person. He does not have a high school education, my daughter is going to college. (Please let her continue with her goal of getting her RN). All I could see are "red flags". All she sees is a young man who is misunderstood my most of society, and who needs her to help him realize his potential.

After dinner he asks me where he should get his next tattoo(there it is again). I was not sure what to say. I wanted to say something to the effect that he should have the ones he has removed, but I knew that was the wrong thing to say at this point in time. Looking back, I can see it was supposed to be a joke, but I sure didn't see it as one. This man has my daughter's full attention, and he is not the "return missionary" I was expecting she would select as the object of her affection. I was awful. I decided it was more important to put a door knob on my son's bedroom door than stay outside and visit with this guest who could potentially become my son-in-law. When it came time for them to leave, they were going to spend time with my daughters best friend, I said, "Nice to meet you, have a great trip back to Texas!" How's that for rude? I should be shot.

What a hypocrite I am!! I not only lost all of my manners, I closed the door to getting to know this young man better. Can you say "REPENT"; ask for forgiveness from your daughter as well as her friend? Do it now!! Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk to you or trust you. You have done nothing to merit his trust. The fact of the matter is, he could very well be a wonderful person, full of tender feelings for my daughter, and capable of making her happy. Who is to say that the "clean cut, return missionary" won't ever hurt her emotionally or physically? Just because he is from Texas does not mean he is incapable of properly caring for her. Just because he lives in the "middle of nowhere" does that mean that he isn't housebroken or is socially unacceptable? Does the fact that he has had a hard life mean he can't provide a safe and secure home for a wife and children? It may sound as if I am jumping the gun here, but that is exactly where her heart is headed.

I know the answers to those questions. My father was not "acceptable" to my grandparents, but he did provide for us. They were married 54 years before he died, and he did his best for all of us. He learned to set goals and to dream. He already knew how to work. He took classes to learn new skills including radio and TV repair, property management, and real estate brokerage. He was a carpenter most of his life, but when construction was down, he always found a way to meet our needs. He was involved in our lives, building our day camps, overnight camps, volunteering in CAP, and scouting. He was a good husband and father.

I do not want the kind of strained relationship my father had with my grandparents. I want my daughters-in-law and son-in-law to feel totally accepted and loved by me and by our family. It has to start with the tone I set, and therefore, I have a lot of work to do. I will do it; I love my daughter too much not to do it. If either of you read this, I am so sorry. Please give me another chance.

It is a Daily Process.....

2008-07-08T13:37:00.000-06:00

As you may remember, I wrote about repentance earlier. It is a daily activity now. It seems that as hard as I might try, I still have to face up to the fact that I am my own worse enemy. You probably noticed that I have been harboring some negative feelings where my sister is concerned. I love her and I respect all she has done. However, that did not keep me from feeling that she did not care that I was hurting so badly.

I have since come to realize that I hadn't told her how much it hurt, or even why I was harboring those feelings. I also realize that she did the best she could under the circumstances. After all, her marriage is much more important that a business (especially a struggling one), and there was a real possibility of losing her husband if she had not returned home when she did.

I know that I need to be more tolerant. It is something that I am working on. I have made the decision to just drop the whole matter. It takes too much energy on my part to harbor bad feelings, and she is struggling right now with knee surgery, so I don't need to add my burdens to her already aching back. It is time for me to work on my own problems and stop trying to figure out how others should live.

I forgive you. I understand, and I don't want to waste any more energy on something that can't be changed. I want my family to be happy again, so, I hope you will be able to forgive me also so that we can indeed kneel at the altar in the temple when we are sealed to Mom and Dad.

Now, if I could just get all of these other little habits and slips to stop. I finally got the carpets cleaned and the furniture will be moved back tonight. The dishes are done, and the laundry is current. It would really help if the mail did not pile up on me and if the plants on the patio would not dry out so quickly. I am trying to get the upper hand on life so that I am more proactive and less reactive. It seems there is always so much work to be done, and not enough time for "fun". However, fun usually costs money or virtue, so I guess I should be glad there is so much work to do.

I am also trying to stop the habit of day dreaming. The biggest reason is that my day dreams are not very productive. They also sometimes slip into areas that I have worked hard to overcome in the past. One of the hardest things for me to overcome in the idea that I will someday not feel the pain and hurt that I have caused others in the past.

I listened to a talk by Wendy Watson Nelson in which she says that the Savior can heal with "NO SCARS". In my heart I know that it is true, but in my head I still have the memory of the pain I caused my children when I left my marriage, and every time I hear them discuss their childhood it comes back with full force and takes my breath away again. She mentioned the metaphor of a board full of nails being a person with active sin. Repentance was the act of removing the nails from the board. She said that it is tragic that some people spend the rest of their lives walking around with all of those holes in their heart. I think I am one of those people. I pray that someday those holes will close up, but in the meantime, I still bleed each time I remember how weak I was.

Each day I pray for strength; strength to overcome yesterday's weaknesses, strength to bear today's burdens, and strength or face tomorrow's challenges. I also pray that someday I will be able to look back and not crumple into a mass of tears. It has been 26 years and I am still crying.

Are We Ready for Hospice?

2008-06-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

So, lately I have been discussing life changing decisions that have shaped my life. I find that it is usually good to let a little time go by before trying to really determine the blessings and knowledge that each decision has provided, however, I thought I would discuss the last three years at a high level at this time.

In order to really understand how it all came about, let's go back to 2003. In September of that year I was caught in a RIF and found myself out of work for the first time in approximately 15 years. It was pretty traumatic for me, but within about 3 months I was working for another company, considerably closer to home for almost as much as I had been making. The environment was shall we say, different. The language was outrageous, everyday it was a matter of trying to determine who was in a good mood, and who was not. The "bosses" seemed to be constantly shuffling for control, and for 2 years I dealt with not knowing if my job was safe or not. Then the layoffs started, and before they were done the business went bankrupt and I was again out of a job.

I had often thought about having my own business, and that longing became very strong as I started looking again for a decent position. The job market was (and frankly still is) very thin and after several months of looking there were no nibbles. My sister and I began discussing the idea of opening our own hospice. She had been working in hospice for many years as a visiting nurse, charge nurse, director of nursing, and several years in the office with exposure to many of the other facets of the business. I have a fairly extensive background in finance and administration. We began putting a business plan together, and it seemed more and more feasible that we could make a go of it.

I had about $180,000 in savings and investments including my retirement accounts. There were a couple of friends who were interested in investing with us, so all together we had about $210,000 and according to our business plan we should be okay. It would be tight, but we could not imagine it taking more than 15 months to receive Medicare/Medicaid certification (the majority of our patients would come from that community) and we had selected an area where there was not much competition with other hospices. The biggest obstacle was that my sister would need to plan on staying in Colorado for at least 2 and preferably 3 years. That was going to be hard as her children had all moved to Arizona to be with her and her husband.

The first concern was that her husband did not come up with her. He had a good job there and did not wish to change positions. She felt that it would be fine, as she would "travel" back and forth every couple of months. My assumption was that they had already worked out the issue of funding these trips. You remember about "assumption" don't you. Pretty soon she is working nights as a charge nurse in a nursing home and really missing her husband, children, and grand-children. At the end of four months we have our state license and we are ready to begin working toward our Medicare/Medicaid certification. Two months later, I am on a business trip to learn some software that will be used. While I am gone she makes the decision to close the business and go home. She called our patient families and told them to find a new hospice because we are closing our doors. She let the other nurses and the CNA go, and told the rest of the staff we were closing our doors. She packed her things and her husband picked her up and they were gone. I never had any input into what was planned or how things were handled.

I tried to salvage the business, hired a new RN and CNA, managed to fine new patients, talked the rest of the staff into waiting to see if we couldn't get Medicare/Medicaid certification. We finished out the year with no news. As the new year began, the surveyors came out to go through our files, talk with our client families, and make their final judgement. There were lots of things that they wanted clarification on, and we were able to get all but one objection resolved. The one area where they would not budge was that "we" had inappropriately and improperly transferred patients at the time of my sister's departure. We would have to wait at least another 15 months to receive our certification to bill Medicare/Medicaid. That being said, we really did have to close our doors. I was completely out of money, and with that much of a wait ahead of us, there was no loan to be had. However, this time we took care to properly transfer each patient to a new hospice and to coordinate the transfer of information. New grief counseling was arranged for each of our families. We also took the time to provide recommendations for each of the staff members and to help place them prior to closing our doors. Assets that could be sold were, and the resulting funds were placed toward amounts due for drugs, DME, and the answering service. Other creditors were notified appropriately and we closed the doors. So the answer to the question above is apparently NO.

I lost my home, my car, my savings, and my company. I also lost everything that others had invested in the company. We had to file bankruptcy. Mother and I moved from our beautiful 5 bedroom home to a 2 bedroom apartment. We had to sell or give away 75% of our furniture, most of which had significant family memories attached. It was an awful time for us. On top of that, I still did not have a job. It wasn't until September that I was able to start working again, and then at such a reduced wage that I am unable to even buy lunch out once a month. I can pay the rent and our utility bills, but not one thing extra. The court is still taking my income tax refunds.

There was a family in the ward with a car they were willing to donate to a good cause. The Bishop convinced them that I was such a cause, and now I have a method of getting to and from work. I drive 46 miles one way to and from work each day. Thankfully, it has a relatively small gas tank and gets good mileage. It takes $50 or better to fill the gas tank, and I have the distinct privilege of filling it two or three times a week. It takes a minimum of 75 minutes to drive to or from work. I have found that listening to tapes of old conferences talks, and other good books or devotional talks helps utilize the time better than listening to radio. I also realize that I do not have to shovel snow off of a double car driveway or sidewalks that stretch forever. However, the complex maintenance men do not get our walks cleaned before I go to work, and usually they do not get them done before I get home either.

The "laundry room" is now in the kitchen so there are no stairs or long walks to put laundry away. There are no stairs as we live on the ground floor. There is no yard to mow, and no flower garden or vegetable garden to tend. I really miss the flowers, vegetables, grapevines, and beautiful trees. There is no grass by our unit as it is on the edge of the property and the maintenance men are not into fighting off the encroaching field. They have just let the weeds take over. It takes about 1 hour to clean the house each day, and that is if we have been messy which usually is not the case. We are "out of debt" but not via a very honorable way. I feel like I have let too many people down, but I don't know what I could have done differently other than to not have taken the chance. It was a wonderful cause and a noble effort.

I have to get over the anger I feel toward my sister. I have to forgive her, but I am having a problem with that. It would be easier if I thought she felt bad about the position that I was left with; but she doesn't. She is of the mind that she did things right. She left us open to multiple liability suits and other court action. She still does not get it. She could have gone home, but she needed to do it properly. She needed to talk to me about it and wait until I had a new RN. Better yet, she always could have said, "I cannot leave my family that long". Six months is not enough time to start a business. Think about it!

Repentance

2008-06-14T21:01:00.000-06:00

As time goes by, we find that some things become more evident to us that they once were. I have found that my reliance on my Heavenly Father, and upon my Savior Jesus Christ, is much stronger and that I need them every day.

About 8 years ago I purchased a home so that my mother could retire and move in with me. We wanted it to be our home, not a a case of one or the other of us moving in to an established environment. As luck would have it, my daughter moved in also, so we were three generations in one home. I think it was wonderful. I will admit that I am prejudiced, but I loved having both of them there. We had plenty of common area and each of us had our own personal space. There was a nice yard and a beautiful deck, once we got some landscaping done.

My first visitors were from the Ward and included the Bishop and his two councilors. They were quickly followed by the Relief Society President and her two councilors in about 3 hours. My daughter and I are members, but my mother never felt the desire to join the church. I promised her that I would not pressure her, and there was no reason for her to doubt my promise. I hadn't been all that active for the previous 20 plus years. However, there was something about those visits. The people obviously genuinely cared about me. They understood that I had not been active, and that I needed more in my life. I felt love. For the first time in many, many years I felt real love and I respond well to love. I wanted more; I craved more. I began attending the meetings every week; accepted a calling as a Visiting Teacher and one as a Family History Consultant.

I began meeting more members of the ward as I would visit in their homes and talk to them about family history work. We began each visit with a prayer and ended each evening with a prayer. I began praying at home and studying the lessons. There was still something wrong, and I knew what it was, I was just afraid to take the action necessary. Over the years I had committed several acts that were not in keeping with my membership in the church. I had broken the word of wisdom, and some of the covenants that I had made with my Savior. I needed to repent. I needed to visit with the Bishop about this.

I was nervous as I waited for that first appointment. What would he think of me? How would I ever be able to look at him once he found out what an awful person I was? How had it come about that I was even in this position? I can't even begin to write about the awful feelings I had. However, once I walked into that office, and he took my hand, I realized that although it was going to be hard, I would be able to tell him everything, and he would be able to help me. I poured out all of the garbage collected over the previous 20 years, and some of it really stunk. He gave me activities that I needed to do including assigned reading, praying, and additional visits. We met several times, discussed what I had been reading including my feelings and thoughts about the selections. What I thought was important to him. He would council me and give me additional activities to do.

Before all was done, he asked me to visit with each of my children and ask for their forgiveness, confessing everything I knew I did that hurt them in one way or another. That was hard. I had not been the always there, patient, kind, long, suffering mother. I had left their father. My actions had made their lives much harder than they should have been. Each of my children told me that they had forgiven me many years earlier. Several of them reminded me that they were endowed and that they had forgiven me before they went to the temple. After gallons of tears, weeks of extra meetings, constant reading, many, many prayers, Bishop's court and other restrictions, I felt the burden of all those years begin to lift. The final night was filled with meditation, tears, and council from my Heavenly Father. I knew then that he loved me, that He knew my heart, and that I would not leave me as long as I did not leave Him.

Since then I have felt the presence of the Holy Ghost, something that I had not felt for many, many years. Life has had many ups and downs and there seems to be a new twist almost every month or two, but through it all I have known that I would not be abandoned. The ward has been there for me, my visiting teachers, home teachers, and local leaders have been there to strengthen me. I have received guidance and council, and I have felt my Father's love. I have felt the atonement work for me. Now I know where I priorities lie. I look for ways to serve; to feed His sheep; to be what He wants me to be. I am not saying that I have it all down pat; that is an incredible stretch. However, at least I realize what the goal is now, and I know that as long as I do the best I can, my Savior will make up the rest. I don't know what will happen when I stand before Him, but I do know that He loves me.

By the way, I am still a visiting teacher, and I am still a Family History Consultant. They are awsome callings.

I Need Thee Every Hour....

2008-05-19T14:22:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the best decision we make can become one of the hardest to maintain, and one of the hardest to truthfully write about. However, since I have embarked on this journey, I feel it is only right that I discuss all of the major decisions that I have made.

I had a wonderful friend in Peggy. She was one of the first people outside of my family that I met and really liked. Her mother was almost a second mother to me. Peggy's home was the last stop on our way to elementary school, and she had a sister the same age as my sister and a brother the same age as my brother. When I was not at home, I was at her home. I knew most of her extended family and even went with her cousin "Dutch" to his senior prom.

At the tender age of 14 Peggy, her mother, sister, and brother joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Peggy immediately asked me to attend Mutual with her (the youth group that met on Wednesday evenings). My sister went with Marty (Peggy's sister), and we really enjoyed the evenings. There was singing, lessons, activities and we soon found ourselves attending the dances, service projects, participating in Road Shows and eventually attending Sacrament and Sunday School. My parents were fine with us going with Peggy and her family as they were not particularly religious and realized that we were going to be safe and cared for with this group.

Several months later we had the opportunity to take the investigator discussions from two young missionaries. Again, my parents were very supportive. When we decided that we wanted to be baptised, they asked a couple of questions, and then determined that it was okay with them. They hoped that we would follow the Word of Wisdom which meant no "alcohol, tobacco, or non-prescribed drugs". They liked the chastity and modesty training that we were taught, and they were able to agree with a lot of the doctrine.

I must admit that my sister was much more resolved than I was. When she and her husband were married, it was with the stipulation that he would be baptised before they were married and that they would be sealed in the temple 12 months later (which indeed happened). Her children were all born in the church and constantly raised by two loving, committed parents.

My first marriage was to a non-member who ended up having no desire to even consider taking the discussions. I married him anyway (because again I was afraid that no one would ever love me). I would find out later that he didn't love me either. I became very disillusioned and consequently inactive.

I married again, a non-member who eventually joined the church. He was working with the cadets (teenagers) in CAP and he fell in love with my two little boys. He was a bit older than I was, and I felt very safe with him. I could not imagine him hitting me or the children. This time I was determined to do it right. I went to my church meetings, accepted callings, tried to keep a loving clean home. We were even sealed in the temple, and I tried with all my might to be worthy of him. Again, I was not able to do it. It seemed the harder I tried, the less interested in me he became. Finally, it was to the point that he would not even want to talk with me or listen to my pleas for him to pay a little attention to my needs. He did not trust me to properly care for our children (he had adopted the two from my first marriage and we had four more), and he certainly did not trust me to cook for or entertain his family or friends. He did not like any of my needlework so I was not to place any pictures, pillows, etc. where they might be seen (in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom).

I soon found myself with no friends, no support system, and absolutely no self-esteem. I had let Satan back into my life and he stripped me of all my self-confidence. I left the marriage and for several years fought the urge to take my own life. I was not active in the church because "I did not deserve those blessings" in my life.

I am sure that you realize that this is not the thinking of a rational person, but nowhere am I claiming that I was rational. I know that the closer I came to my Heavenly Father, the harder Satan worked on me; and this time he hit the jackpot. I have never remarried, and I have no intention of doing so at this late date. I was not a model of chastity, modesty, moderation, humility, or self-control for many years. The ones that truly suffered were my children. They are all much stronger than their mother thanks to the love and nurturing they received from their father, church leaders, teachers, home teachers, and scouting advisors.

I have since repented of all of the sins that I was party to. I have spent hours with my bishop, stake and ward priesthood advisers, home teachers, visiting teachers, and I have prayed for forgiveness from my Savior. I have asked my children for forgiveness, and I am working very hard to be worthy of them. I know that my salvation is a personal thing, and that I am responsible for potentially ruining all chance for exaltation (as that is a family thing). I pray daily for forgiveness as I try to work on those things that will potentially lead me away from my goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. I also know that my husband did the best he could. He did not realize before hand that his "wife" was an emotional wreck or that she would be so "high maintenance". He always did the best he could and I admire him for that now. It is really too bad that I couldn't give him that consideration 26 years ago.

In the meantime, I try not to dwell on those bad decisions that I made and I try to counsel my children on the importance of remaining close to their Savior Jesus Christ. I also counsel them to marry only when they are reasonably sure that they have found someone they want to spend eternity with. I know that I will never know the joy of that kind of relationship. I have witnessed others who have found it and have been able to cultivate it and make it stronger. I have great admiration for them.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him; and that He will help me as long as I remain faithful to Him. I pray daily; I read my scriptures; I do not judge others; I serve when and where I can; I work very hard at keeping those demons away from my mind. Every morning I consciously make the decision to try again. Every evening I repent of those things I am aware of that were not pleasing to my Savior. Every hour I am aware of "whose" help I need.

The Real World. . . . .

2008-05-14T13:05:00.000-06:00

Directly out of high school, my parents sent me to college; CU Denver Center. I had no goals, no clear understanding of what I was going to do with my education, and I promptly failed my first semester. There would be no more college on their nickle.

I began work at a local donut shop working the graveyard shift preparing, decorating, and selling donuts and coffee. That lasted for about 16 months, and I realized I wanted more than to finish donuts, so I applied at one of the banks downtown for a position "coding" insurance documents. This was my first exposure to computers, key punch, and the resulting keypunch cards; trays and trays of cards. While there, one of my co-workers introduced me to her boyfriend's best friend; a slick talking, good looking, fun loving man that I quickly thought I was in love with. Within six months we were married and 10 1/2 months later my oldest child was born and my husband was on his third job and drinking pretty heavily. He was very possessive of my time, to the point of being abusive if he felt that I was slighting him in the least. The night I ran from the house, carrying my screaming 15-month old he threw an iron through the front window trying to stop me. He was so drunk that he could not get the keys in the ignition, but not too drunk to hit me repeatedly. I made it safely to my parents home about 1 1/2 miles away, and filed for divorce within one month after that. Six months after leaving him, I gave birth to my second child.

Welcome to the real world. I am a divorced, single parent with two little boys dependent upon me for everything. I have no education beyond high school, and no job. I think it is time to make a decision. I remembered my love for medicine and found that I could take a course at CCD in Radiological Technology. The pay was good and the demand was high. It was a two year course with a 1 year internship, and I graduated with an Associate in Science. This time I qualified for a grant and I completed my studies and internship with a 4.0 grade average. The moral of this story is, college makes sense if you know why you are there and you have a goal.

It is really not healthy to wonder what life would have been like if I had made a decision directly out of high school instead of just floating along with the current. I dearly love my two oldest boys. They were worth the abuse and the knowledge gained. They have been extremely close to my heart every since the day each was born.

Sweet Sixteen....

2008-05-09T14:02:00.000-06:00

Being a Pices, I am very "romantic" and therefore, wanted to throw a wonderful party for my younger sister the year she turned sixteen. This was to be a big surprise for her and was for both boys and girls. She and my brother had joined a group called Civil Air Patrol about 6 months earlier, and so I contacted her "commanding officer" and asked him if he would help me make this a very special event for her.

Her birthday was on Tuesday that year, and the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) group met on Tuesday evening every week. He contacted all of the cadets and invited them to come to our home for dinner prior to the meeting. Mom and I fixed large pots of chili and bowls of salad and we had a score of different salad dressings plus cake, ice cream, punch, and lots of decorations. All together we anticipated about 15 guests, but in reality there were closer to 30. It worked fine as we had made plenty of food and our basement was an apartment with a separate entrance (it had been rented out for many years to help supplement the mortgage) and it provided plenty of room for guests, tables, and food.

Much to my surprise, I knew a couple of the other cadets from school, one of them a fairly accomplished pianist who enjoyed entertaining us with his music. We had a good time, and she was most definitely surprised. A couple of the older cadets made some pretty jabbed remarks to me prior to their leaving, although I was not sure why. They did not even know me, and they intimated that I thought I was too good to socialize with them. The truth was, I was too shy to socialize with them. This party had stretched me to my limit, and I really had no idea how to be the outgoing, gracious hostess (even at 17). All I could manage was to refill the bowls, and keep the punch coming.

That night, after they all had left for their meeting, I cried because I felt that I would never fit into new social groups. I had my friends at school, but that was all. Even then, my friends had all met me as a very small child, and I was not good at making new friends as the pool of possibilities grew larger. I was in high school, with over 600 students, and I was still friends with the same 8-10 students I first met in Kindergarten.

I thought about that all week and the next Tuesday, being April 1st, I decided to go to the meeting as a visitor to see what it was all about. I also talked with my parents about "pretending to be a confident, outgoing person" and they assured me that they would not tell anyone otherwise if I could pull it off. I went to the meeting, talked, laughed, smiled, and acted like I was comfortable being an extrovert. I also told them that it might be fun to join CAP, but I certainly did not want to have to spend all of my time with the 12 and 13 year old new recruits. The Squadron Commander told me that he would see to it that I had every opportunity to learn all of the necessary information, take all of the necessary tests, and advance as quickly as I was capable of, and that if I really wanted to spend my time with the older cadets (16-20), I could as soon as I could prove myself.

The two boys from the party who had been so cruel to me, offered to help me get through all of the necessary "book work" in order to become a cadet officer. (I guess they thought they had shamed me into checking out the squadron.) They also taught me to march, encouraged me as I practiced the physical fitness activities, and provided plenty of motivation to keep going. Within 4 weeks I had passed the first six tests moving through the non-com ranks, qualified as a drill sergeant, and was ready for my first test to become a cadet officer. At the end of 9 months total, I was a Cadet Major, third in command of our squadron and my wall-flower days were behind me. I was also dating one of those two boys.

What started as an experiment (an April Fool activity if nothing else) ended up being 37 years of activity, adventure, and service. It also proved to be the catalyst to meeting my husband, and when my marriage failed, CAP activity healed my injured pride, gave me a place to put all of the pent-up energy, and accepted me for who I was.

So the question is.... Was it the decision to give my sister a sweet sixteen party or the decision to put on the mask of self-confidence that led me to the adventures, friends, and experiences I had as an adult? What if I had not decided to do one or the other?

Meet Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie

2008-05-08T15:17:00.000-06:00

I wish I could remember how old I was the year the three of us went to an overnight church summer camp. We were gone for almost a week, and I have very few memories of that experience. However, I really do remember meeting Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie.

Our stay at camp was only about half over when I first met Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie. They were three tiny field mice. They had no hair, and their eyes were not open. They were so small and helpless. After several hours, there was no sign of the parents, so my counselor allowed me to take them back to camp. We found a match box and lined it with kleenex and put the babies in. The nurse gave me a small eye-dropper and I began feeding the babies milk every couple of hours, day and night.

When my mother came to pick us up, she was not too pleased to meet my new found pets. I begged and tried the "they will die if I have to leave them" routine. It didn't work. Finally the camp nurse and the camp director talked to my mother. They told her about my dedication to the babies, and she finally gave in. They were still hairless, blind, and totally dependent so it couldn't be that bad. We stopped and got a small cage and a book on caring for rodents (Guinea pigs I think) on the way home and I promised that they would remain in the garage, which they did, usually.

After a couple of weeks, these tiny babies were regular mice, and they found all sorts of ways out of the cage, much to my mother's dismay. We finally had to take them to a field several miles away, and let them go. Mom was no longer willing to provide food and shelter for them. The experience however, led to my sister and I feeling quite comfortable with lab animals and fostered out interest in medicine. As teenagers, we acquired several white mice, performed a variety of procedures on them, skin grafts mostly, and nursed them back to health. Our biology teachers were impressed with our ability to work with, and care for the animals. Our anesthetic and surgical procedures were very clean. Both of us learned to suture the wounds, and none of our "patients" died. My sister went on to become a nurse; I tried radiology for several years, and at one point in my life tried to open a hospice, but that is another story. I think that was the first time I made a decision that my parents were uncomfortable with.

I wonder if my love of medicine would have developed without those first babies?

Early Choices Start Things Rolling. . . .

2008-05-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

My mother always felt that children learn about making choices by starting early. One early option given to me was whether to give up my morning nap or my afternoon nap. I always did like my naps, especially when I could sleep out in the back yard. My answer was neither, so she made the decision for me; the morning nap had to go in favor of Kindergarten.

When I started school we did not have two cars in every garage, and we often had to walk. The school was 8 blocks away, with two busy streets to cross, and my mother had three children in 25 months. She was not too keen on walking me, and pulling a wagon containing my sister and brother, up the hill. The answer to her prayers was a series of new kindergarteners between us and the school. Mom, my sister and brother escorted me to Eileen's home (2 blocks away). Eileen's mother escorted the two of us to Norma's home (3 blocks away). Norma's mother and little sister joined us as we walked to Peggy's home, which was just across the street and around the corner from school. Peggy's mother saw all of us into the classroom. Coming home was just the reverse. Peggy's mother, younger sister and brother got us down the hill to Norma's and so forth. Isn't team work wonderful? As we grew older we continued to travel to school as a group, and through the years the group grew larger. By the time we were in junior high school, we were walking 2 1/2 miles each way and picking up between 8 and 12 girls on the way.

The friendships formed that year were strong for the next 13 years, and most of us graduated together. Although Peggy's family moved to Arvada, we were still close and attended each other's graduation. At the ripe old age of 8 years old, each of us was given the option of joining Brownies or Blue Birds. As a group we opted for Blue Birds and Peggy's mother and my mother were the leaders. Since Peggy lived so close to school, and had a trampoline in the back yard, that was the best place for us to meet. We had a wonderful time learning to do crafts, learning about service, nature, and taking responsibility for our actions. Those years together brought us closer together and ultimately changed my life, but we will get into that much later.

I wonder what my childhood would have been like if I had actually opted for afternoon Kindergarten?

An Introduction...

2008-05-07T15:35:00.000-06:00

When I was a child I dreamed of becoming a well-known writer. I was going to write wonderful stories full of adventure, facinating people, and great heroic women. You know... fiction. Many of the papers I had to write for school began to take on these qualities. More than once I was called in to discuss my latest paper with an order to "Stick to the assigned topic and guidelines if you want a decent grade." As you might expect, my tendency to let my mind soar eventually dulled, and I became the "model" student writing only what was expected.

I did well in school, and life continued but it did not even faintly resemble my childhood dreams. Not that it was bad; just that I don't remember making many conscious decisions about my life or the direction it took. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I did make some crucial decisions and many of the adventures I have had, as well as many of the heartaches I have had are a direct result of decisions that were made with little or no thought.

I would like the opportunity to write down some of these adventures, and maybe some of the heartaches. As you will see, many of the activities I have had the opportunity to enjoy are the result of "knee jerk" reactions to outside stimuli. Somehow it seems that those moments that I think about and actions that I "practice" never seem to come about. However, I often find myself in situations where I think I have to act quickly, and the result is usually unpredictable to this rather unsophistocated individual.

I hope you will find these entries to your liking. Some may be entertaining, others may contain a lesson or moral that was very important to me, and may strike a chord with you. I know that my life is not deep, and these thoughts probably will not be deep either. They are the result of sixty plus years of living a relatively uneventful life with moments of magic and wonder, and moments of deep sorrow and pain.