Expectations.....

It is amazing how often we humans, especially we very human mothers, inadvertently "interfere" where our presence is not needed or necessarily wanted. It is also sad when such "interference" causes hard feelings between parent and child. My child is 28 years old. She is a delightful young woman, and I have always felt that she had a reasonably good head on her shoulders. I have not had problems with the young men that she dated in the past. After all, she is responsible, has been raised to stand up for her morals and principles, and she has five older brothers if something goes wrong. Now all of a sudden, I find myself acting like the proverbial "witch" (I used a "w"), harping at her and not giving her choice of men a chance. Did she suddenly lose her mind? Where are her priorities? Have things changed all that much?

What a complicated issue! I am going to sort it out here because this appears to be a perfectly safe place to do so. 1 - She is still my daughter, and I think she still has a good head on her shoulders. She is just very interested in a young man who does not happen to live where we do. He does not have the same background we do, which may or may not be a plus, and he has her full attention. 2 - "We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and he loves each one of us." That means He loves this young man and my daughter as much as he loves me (I hope). At the moment he is probably not very proud of me. 3 - "I need to learn to love more." "I need to learn to serve more." "I need to learn to be more patient and tolerant." (I think that is actually 3, 4, and 5.) There is way too much truth in all of those statements.

This young man came from Texas to Colorado to meet my daughter (they have been corresponding and talking on the phone for four months) and her family. We had planned a family bar-b-cue for him. He was nervous and I was not impressed with my first look at him. He wore studded leather (I think), a t-shirt, tattoos, voluntarily shaved his head, and has a goatee. I had just come from church and would rather have seen a young man in slacks, collared shirt, tie, conservative haircut (unless he is follicle challenged as most of my sons are), and carrying his scriptures under his arm. (Alright, we can all dream.)

As we ate dinner this brave soul offered to answer our questions. I asked him about his dreams and goals. His answer was that he doesn't have any ("red flag"). His life has been hard. He has worked since dropping out of school ("red flag"); and he does not feel he has the option of setting goals or dreaming. My thought is that if you do not have goals you will never move ahead. He is just letting life push and pull him along. He is reactive not proactive. My daughter is generally a very proactive person. He does not have a high school education, my daughter is going to college. (Please let her continue with her goal of getting her RN). All I could see are "red flags". All she sees is a young man who is misunderstood my most of society, and who needs her to help him realize his potential.

After dinner he asks me where he should get his next tattoo(there it is again). I was not sure what to say. I wanted to say something to the effect that he should have the ones he has removed, but I knew that was the wrong thing to say at this point in time. Looking back, I can see it was supposed to be a joke, but I sure didn't see it as one. This man has my daughter's full attention, and he is not the "return missionary" I was expecting she would select as the object of her affection. I was awful. I decided it was more important to put a door knob on my son's bedroom door than stay outside and visit with this guest who could potentially become my son-in-law. When it came time for them to leave, they were going to spend time with my daughters best friend, I said, "Nice to meet you, have a great trip back to Texas!" How's that for rude? I should be shot.

What a hypocrite I am!! I not only lost all of my manners, I closed the door to getting to know this young man better. Can you say "REPENT"; ask for forgiveness from your daughter as well as her friend? Do it now!! Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk to you or trust you. You have done nothing to merit his trust. The fact of the matter is, he could very well be a wonderful person, full of tender feelings for my daughter, and capable of making her happy. Who is to say that the "clean cut, return missionary" won't ever hurt her emotionally or physically? Just because he is from Texas does not mean he is incapable of properly caring for her. Just because he lives in the "middle of nowhere" does that mean that he isn't housebroken or is socially unacceptable? Does the fact that he has had a hard life mean he can't provide a safe and secure home for a wife and children? It may sound as if I am jumping the gun here, but that is exactly where her heart is headed.

I know the answers to those questions. My father was not "acceptable" to my grandparents, but he did provide for us. They were married 54 years before he died, and he did his best for all of us. He learned to set goals and to dream. He already knew how to work. He took classes to learn new skills including radio and TV repair, property management, and real estate brokerage. He was a carpenter most of his life, but when construction was down, he always found a way to meet our needs. He was involved in our lives, building our day camps, overnight camps, volunteering in CAP, and scouting. He was a good husband and father.

I do not want the kind of strained relationship my father had with my grandparents. I want my daughters-in-law and son-in-law to feel totally accepted and loved by me and by our family. It has to start with the tone I set, and therefore, I have a lot of work to do. I will do it; I love my daughter too much not to do it. If either of you read this, I am so sorry. Please give me another chance.

It is a Daily Process.....

As you may remember, I wrote about repentance earlier. It is a daily activity now. It seems that as hard as I might try, I still have to face up to the fact that I am my own worse enemy. You probably noticed that I have been harboring some negative feelings where my sister is concerned. I love her and I respect all she has done. However, that did not keep me from feeling that she did not care that I was hurting so badly.

I have since come to realize that I hadn't told her how much it hurt, or even why I was harboring those feelings. I also realize that she did the best she could under the circumstances. After all, her marriage is much more important that a business (especially a struggling one), and there was a real possibility of losing her husband if she had not returned home when she did.

I know that I need to be more tolerant. It is something that I am working on. I have made the decision to just drop the whole matter. It takes too much energy on my part to harbor bad feelings, and she is struggling right now with knee surgery, so I don't need to add my burdens to her already aching back. It is time for me to work on my own problems and stop trying to figure out how others should live.

I forgive you. I understand, and I don't want to waste any more energy on something that can't be changed. I want my family to be happy again, so, I hope you will be able to forgive me also so that we can indeed kneel at the altar in the temple when we are sealed to Mom and Dad.

Now, if I could just get all of these other little habits and slips to stop. I finally got the carpets cleaned and the furniture will be moved back tonight. The dishes are done, and the laundry is current. It would really help if the mail did not pile up on me and if the plants on the patio would not dry out so quickly. I am trying to get the upper hand on life so that I am more proactive and less reactive. It seems there is always so much work to be done, and not enough time for "fun". However, fun usually costs money or virtue, so I guess I should be glad there is so much work to do.

I am also trying to stop the habit of day dreaming. The biggest reason is that my day dreams are not very productive. They also sometimes slip into areas that I have worked hard to overcome in the past. One of the hardest things for me to overcome in the idea that I will someday not feel the pain and hurt that I have caused others in the past.

I listened to a talk by Wendy Watson Nelson in which she says that the Savior can heal with "NO SCARS". In my heart I know that it is true, but in my head I still have the memory of the pain I caused my children when I left my marriage, and every time I hear them discuss their childhood it comes back with full force and takes my breath away again. She mentioned the metaphor of a board full of nails being a person with active sin. Repentance was the act of removing the nails from the board. She said that it is tragic that some people spend the rest of their lives walking around with all of those holes in their heart. I think I am one of those people. I pray that someday those holes will close up, but in the meantime, I still bleed each time I remember how weak I was.

Each day I pray for strength; strength to overcome yesterday's weaknesses, strength to bear today's burdens, and strength or face tomorrow's challenges. I also pray that someday I will be able to look back and not crumple into a mass of tears. It has been 26 years and I am still crying.

Repentance

As time goes by, we find that some things become more evident to us that they once were. I have found that my reliance on my Heavenly Father, and upon my Savior Jesus Christ, is much stronger and that I need them every day.

About 8 years ago I purchased a home so that my mother could retire and move in with me. We wanted it to be our home, not a a case of one or the other of us moving in to an established environment. As luck would have it, my daughter moved in also, so we were three generations in one home. I think it was wonderful. I will admit that I am prejudiced, but I loved having both of them there. We had plenty of common area and each of us had our own personal space. There was a nice yard and a beautiful deck, once we got some landscaping done.

My first visitors were from the Ward and included the Bishop and his two councilors. They were quickly followed by the Relief Society President and her two councilors in about 3 hours. My daughter and I are members, but my mother never felt the desire to join the church. I promised her that I would not pressure her, and there was no reason for her to doubt my promise. I hadn't been all that active for the previous 20 plus years. However, there was something about those visits. The people obviously genuinely cared about me. They understood that I had not been active, and that I needed more in my life. I felt love. For the first time in many, many years I felt real love and I respond well to love. I wanted more; I craved more. I began attending the meetings every week; accepted a calling as a Visiting Teacher and one as a Family History Consultant.

I began meeting more members of the ward as I would visit in their homes and talk to them about family history work. We began each visit with a prayer and ended each evening with a prayer. I began praying at home and studying the lessons. There was still something wrong, and I knew what it was, I was just afraid to take the action necessary. Over the years I had committed several acts that were not in keeping with my membership in the church. I had broken the word of wisdom, and some of the covenants that I had made with my Savior. I needed to repent. I needed to visit with the Bishop about this.

I was nervous as I waited for that first appointment. What would he think of me? How would I ever be able to look at him once he found out what an awful person I was? How had it come about that I was even in this position? I can't even begin to write about the awful feelings I had. However, once I walked into that office, and he took my hand, I realized that although it was going to be hard, I would be able to tell him everything, and he would be able to help me. I poured out all of the garbage collected over the previous 20 years, and some of it really stunk. He gave me activities that I needed to do including assigned reading, praying, and additional visits. We met several times, discussed what I had been reading including my feelings and thoughts about the selections. What I thought was important to him. He would council me and give me additional activities to do.

Before all was done, he asked me to visit with each of my children and ask for their forgiveness, confessing everything I knew I did that hurt them in one way or another. That was hard. I had not been the always there, patient, kind, long, suffering mother. I had left their father. My actions had made their lives much harder than they should have been. Each of my children told me that they had forgiven me many years earlier. Several of them reminded me that they were endowed and that they had forgiven me before they went to the temple. After gallons of tears, weeks of extra meetings, constant reading, many, many prayers, Bishop's court and other restrictions, I felt the burden of all those years begin to lift. The final night was filled with meditation, tears, and council from my Heavenly Father. I knew then that he loved me, that He knew my heart, and that I would not leave me as long as I did not leave Him.

Since then I have felt the presence of the Holy Ghost, something that I had not felt for many, many years. Life has had many ups and downs and there seems to be a new twist almost every month or two, but through it all I have known that I would not be abandoned. The ward has been there for me, my visiting teachers, home teachers, and local leaders have been there to strengthen me. I have received guidance and council, and I have felt my Father's love. I have felt the atonement work for me. Now I know where I priorities lie. I look for ways to serve; to feed His sheep; to be what He wants me to be. I am not saying that I have it all down pat; that is an incredible stretch. However, at least I realize what the goal is now, and I know that as long as I do the best I can, my Savior will make up the rest. I don't know what will happen when I stand before Him, but I do know that He loves me.

By the way, I am still a visiting teacher, and I am still a Family History Consultant. They are awsome callings.

I Need Thee Every Hour....

Sometimes the best decision we make can become one of the hardest to maintain, and one of the hardest to truthfully write about. However, since I have embarked on this journey, I feel it is only right that I discuss all of the major decisions that I have made.

I had a wonderful friend in Peggy. She was one of the first people outside of my family that I met and really liked. Her mother was almost a second mother to me. Peggy's home was the last stop on our way to elementary school, and she had a sister the same age as my sister and a brother the same age as my brother. When I was not at home, I was at her home. I knew most of her extended family and even went with her cousin "Dutch" to his senior prom.

At the tender age of 14 Peggy, her mother, sister, and brother joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Peggy immediately asked me to attend Mutual with her (the youth group that met on Wednesday evenings). My sister went with Marty (Peggy's sister), and we really enjoyed the evenings. There was singing, lessons, activities and we soon found ourselves attending the dances, service projects, participating in Road Shows and eventually attending Sacrament and Sunday School. My parents were fine with us going with Peggy and her family as they were not particularly religious and realized that we were going to be safe and cared for with this group.

Several months later we had the opportunity to take the investigator discussions from two young missionaries. Again, my parents were very supportive. When we decided that we wanted to be baptised, they asked a couple of questions, and then determined that it was okay with them. They hoped that we would follow the Word of Wisdom which meant no "alcohol, tobacco, or non-prescribed drugs". They liked the chastity and modesty training that we were taught, and they were able to agree with a lot of the doctrine.

I must admit that my sister was much more resolved than I was. When she and her husband were married, it was with the stipulation that he would be baptised before they were married and that they would be sealed in the temple 12 months later (which indeed happened). Her children were all born in the church and constantly raised by two loving, committed parents.

My first marriage was to a non-member who ended up having no desire to even consider taking the discussions. I married him anyway (because again I was afraid that no one would ever love me). I would find out later that he didn't love me either. I became very disillusioned and consequently inactive.

I married again, a non-member who eventually joined the church. He was working with the cadets (teenagers) in CAP and he fell in love with my two little boys. He was a bit older than I was, and I felt very safe with him. I could not imagine him hitting me or the children. This time I was determined to do it right. I went to my church meetings, accepted callings, tried to keep a loving clean home. We were even sealed in the temple, and I tried with all my might to be worthy of him. Again, I was not able to do it. It seemed the harder I tried, the less interested in me he became. Finally, it was to the point that he would not even want to talk with me or listen to my pleas for him to pay a little attention to my needs. He did not trust me to properly care for our children (he had adopted the two from my first marriage and we had four more), and he certainly did not trust me to cook for or entertain his family or friends. He did not like any of my needlework so I was not to place any pictures, pillows, etc. where they might be seen (in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom).

I soon found myself with no friends, no support system, and absolutely no self-esteem. I had let Satan back into my life and he stripped me of all my self-confidence. I left the marriage and for several years fought the urge to take my own life. I was not active in the church because "I did not deserve those blessings" in my life.

I am sure that you realize that this is not the thinking of a rational person, but nowhere am I claiming that I was rational. I know that the closer I came to my Heavenly Father, the harder Satan worked on me; and this time he hit the jackpot. I have never remarried, and I have no intention of doing so at this late date. I was not a model of chastity, modesty, moderation, humility, or self-control for many years. The ones that truly suffered were my children. They are all much stronger than their mother thanks to the love and nurturing they received from their father, church leaders, teachers, home teachers, and scouting advisors.

I have since repented of all of the sins that I was party to. I have spent hours with my bishop, stake and ward priesthood advisers, home teachers, visiting teachers, and I have prayed for forgiveness from my Savior. I have asked my children for forgiveness, and I am working very hard to be worthy of them. I know that my salvation is a personal thing, and that I am responsible for potentially ruining all chance for exaltation (as that is a family thing). I pray daily for forgiveness as I try to work on those things that will potentially lead me away from my goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. I also know that my husband did the best he could. He did not realize before hand that his "wife" was an emotional wreck or that she would be so "high maintenance". He always did the best he could and I admire him for that now. It is really too bad that I couldn't give him that consideration 26 years ago.

In the meantime, I try not to dwell on those bad decisions that I made and I try to counsel my children on the importance of remaining close to their Savior Jesus Christ. I also counsel them to marry only when they are reasonably sure that they have found someone they want to spend eternity with. I know that I will never know the joy of that kind of relationship. I have witnessed others who have found it and have been able to cultivate it and make it stronger. I have great admiration for them.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him; and that He will help me as long as I remain faithful to Him. I pray daily; I read my scriptures; I do not judge others; I serve when and where I can; I work very hard at keeping those demons away from my mind. Every morning I consciously make the decision to try again. Every evening I repent of those things I am aware of that were not pleasing to my Savior. Every hour I am aware of "whose" help I need.