I Need Thee Every Hour....

Sometimes the best decision we make can become one of the hardest to maintain, and one of the hardest to truthfully write about. However, since I have embarked on this journey, I feel it is only right that I discuss all of the major decisions that I have made.

I had a wonderful friend in Peggy. She was one of the first people outside of my family that I met and really liked. Her mother was almost a second mother to me. Peggy's home was the last stop on our way to elementary school, and she had a sister the same age as my sister and a brother the same age as my brother. When I was not at home, I was at her home. I knew most of her extended family and even went with her cousin "Dutch" to his senior prom.

At the tender age of 14 Peggy, her mother, sister, and brother joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Peggy immediately asked me to attend Mutual with her (the youth group that met on Wednesday evenings). My sister went with Marty (Peggy's sister), and we really enjoyed the evenings. There was singing, lessons, activities and we soon found ourselves attending the dances, service projects, participating in Road Shows and eventually attending Sacrament and Sunday School. My parents were fine with us going with Peggy and her family as they were not particularly religious and realized that we were going to be safe and cared for with this group.

Several months later we had the opportunity to take the investigator discussions from two young missionaries. Again, my parents were very supportive. When we decided that we wanted to be baptised, they asked a couple of questions, and then determined that it was okay with them. They hoped that we would follow the Word of Wisdom which meant no "alcohol, tobacco, or non-prescribed drugs". They liked the chastity and modesty training that we were taught, and they were able to agree with a lot of the doctrine.

I must admit that my sister was much more resolved than I was. When she and her husband were married, it was with the stipulation that he would be baptised before they were married and that they would be sealed in the temple 12 months later (which indeed happened). Her children were all born in the church and constantly raised by two loving, committed parents.

My first marriage was to a non-member who ended up having no desire to even consider taking the discussions. I married him anyway (because again I was afraid that no one would ever love me). I would find out later that he didn't love me either. I became very disillusioned and consequently inactive.

I married again, a non-member who eventually joined the church. He was working with the cadets (teenagers) in CAP and he fell in love with my two little boys. He was a bit older than I was, and I felt very safe with him. I could not imagine him hitting me or the children. This time I was determined to do it right. I went to my church meetings, accepted callings, tried to keep a loving clean home. We were even sealed in the temple, and I tried with all my might to be worthy of him. Again, I was not able to do it. It seemed the harder I tried, the less interested in me he became. Finally, it was to the point that he would not even want to talk with me or listen to my pleas for him to pay a little attention to my needs. He did not trust me to properly care for our children (he had adopted the two from my first marriage and we had four more), and he certainly did not trust me to cook for or entertain his family or friends. He did not like any of my needlework so I was not to place any pictures, pillows, etc. where they might be seen (in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom).

I soon found myself with no friends, no support system, and absolutely no self-esteem. I had let Satan back into my life and he stripped me of all my self-confidence. I left the marriage and for several years fought the urge to take my own life. I was not active in the church because "I did not deserve those blessings" in my life.

I am sure that you realize that this is not the thinking of a rational person, but nowhere am I claiming that I was rational. I know that the closer I came to my Heavenly Father, the harder Satan worked on me; and this time he hit the jackpot. I have never remarried, and I have no intention of doing so at this late date. I was not a model of chastity, modesty, moderation, humility, or self-control for many years. The ones that truly suffered were my children. They are all much stronger than their mother thanks to the love and nurturing they received from their father, church leaders, teachers, home teachers, and scouting advisors.

I have since repented of all of the sins that I was party to. I have spent hours with my bishop, stake and ward priesthood advisers, home teachers, visiting teachers, and I have prayed for forgiveness from my Savior. I have asked my children for forgiveness, and I am working very hard to be worthy of them. I know that my salvation is a personal thing, and that I am responsible for potentially ruining all chance for exaltation (as that is a family thing). I pray daily for forgiveness as I try to work on those things that will potentially lead me away from my goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. I also know that my husband did the best he could. He did not realize before hand that his "wife" was an emotional wreck or that she would be so "high maintenance". He always did the best he could and I admire him for that now. It is really too bad that I couldn't give him that consideration 26 years ago.

In the meantime, I try not to dwell on those bad decisions that I made and I try to counsel my children on the importance of remaining close to their Savior Jesus Christ. I also counsel them to marry only when they are reasonably sure that they have found someone they want to spend eternity with. I know that I will never know the joy of that kind of relationship. I have witnessed others who have found it and have been able to cultivate it and make it stronger. I have great admiration for them.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him; and that He will help me as long as I remain faithful to Him. I pray daily; I read my scriptures; I do not judge others; I serve when and where I can; I work very hard at keeping those demons away from my mind. Every morning I consciously make the decision to try again. Every evening I repent of those things I am aware of that were not pleasing to my Savior. Every hour I am aware of "whose" help I need.

The Real World. . . . .

Directly out of high school, my parents sent me to college; CU Denver Center. I had no goals, no clear understanding of what I was going to do with my education, and I promptly failed my first semester. There would be no more college on their nickle.

I began work at a local donut shop working the graveyard shift preparing, decorating, and selling donuts and coffee. That lasted for about 16 months, and I realized I wanted more than to finish donuts, so I applied at one of the banks downtown for a position "coding" insurance documents. This was my first exposure to computers, key punch, and the resulting keypunch cards; trays and trays of cards. While there, one of my co-workers introduced me to her boyfriend's best friend; a slick talking, good looking, fun loving man that I quickly thought I was in love with. Within six months we were married and 10 1/2 months later my oldest child was born and my husband was on his third job and drinking pretty heavily. He was very possessive of my time, to the point of being abusive if he felt that I was slighting him in the least. The night I ran from the house, carrying my screaming 15-month old he threw an iron through the front window trying to stop me. He was so drunk that he could not get the keys in the ignition, but not too drunk to hit me repeatedly. I made it safely to my parents home about 1 1/2 miles away, and filed for divorce within one month after that. Six months after leaving him, I gave birth to my second child.

Welcome to the real world. I am a divorced, single parent with two little boys dependent upon me for everything. I have no education beyond high school, and no job. I think it is time to make a decision. I remembered my love for medicine and found that I could take a course at CCD in Radiological Technology. The pay was good and the demand was high. It was a two year course with a 1 year internship, and I graduated with an Associate in Science. This time I qualified for a grant and I completed my studies and internship with a 4.0 grade average. The moral of this story is, college makes sense if you know why you are there and you have a goal.

It is really not healthy to wonder what life would have been like if I had made a decision directly out of high school instead of just floating along with the current. I dearly love my two oldest boys. They were worth the abuse and the knowledge gained. They have been extremely close to my heart every since the day each was born.

Sweet Sixteen....

Being a Pices, I am very "romantic" and therefore, wanted to throw a wonderful party for my younger sister the year she turned sixteen. This was to be a big surprise for her and was for both boys and girls. She and my brother had joined a group called Civil Air Patrol about 6 months earlier, and so I contacted her "commanding officer" and asked him if he would help me make this a very special event for her.

Her birthday was on Tuesday that year, and the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) group met on Tuesday evening every week. He contacted all of the cadets and invited them to come to our home for dinner prior to the meeting. Mom and I fixed large pots of chili and bowls of salad and we had a score of different salad dressings plus cake, ice cream, punch, and lots of decorations. All together we anticipated about 15 guests, but in reality there were closer to 30. It worked fine as we had made plenty of food and our basement was an apartment with a separate entrance (it had been rented out for many years to help supplement the mortgage) and it provided plenty of room for guests, tables, and food.

Much to my surprise, I knew a couple of the other cadets from school, one of them a fairly accomplished pianist who enjoyed entertaining us with his music. We had a good time, and she was most definitely surprised. A couple of the older cadets made some pretty jabbed remarks to me prior to their leaving, although I was not sure why. They did not even know me, and they intimated that I thought I was too good to socialize with them. The truth was, I was too shy to socialize with them. This party had stretched me to my limit, and I really had no idea how to be the outgoing, gracious hostess (even at 17). All I could manage was to refill the bowls, and keep the punch coming.

That night, after they all had left for their meeting, I cried because I felt that I would never fit into new social groups. I had my friends at school, but that was all. Even then, my friends had all met me as a very small child, and I was not good at making new friends as the pool of possibilities grew larger. I was in high school, with over 600 students, and I was still friends with the same 8-10 students I first met in Kindergarten.

I thought about that all week and the next Tuesday, being April 1st, I decided to go to the meeting as a visitor to see what it was all about. I also talked with my parents about "pretending to be a confident, outgoing person" and they assured me that they would not tell anyone otherwise if I could pull it off. I went to the meeting, talked, laughed, smiled, and acted like I was comfortable being an extrovert. I also told them that it might be fun to join CAP, but I certainly did not want to have to spend all of my time with the 12 and 13 year old new recruits. The Squadron Commander told me that he would see to it that I had every opportunity to learn all of the necessary information, take all of the necessary tests, and advance as quickly as I was capable of, and that if I really wanted to spend my time with the older cadets (16-20), I could as soon as I could prove myself.

The two boys from the party who had been so cruel to me, offered to help me get through all of the necessary "book work" in order to become a cadet officer. (I guess they thought they had shamed me into checking out the squadron.) They also taught me to march, encouraged me as I practiced the physical fitness activities, and provided plenty of motivation to keep going. Within 4 weeks I had passed the first six tests moving through the non-com ranks, qualified as a drill sergeant, and was ready for my first test to become a cadet officer. At the end of 9 months total, I was a Cadet Major, third in command of our squadron and my wall-flower days were behind me. I was also dating one of those two boys.

What started as an experiment (an April Fool activity if nothing else) ended up being 37 years of activity, adventure, and service. It also proved to be the catalyst to meeting my husband, and when my marriage failed, CAP activity healed my injured pride, gave me a place to put all of the pent-up energy, and accepted me for who I was.

So the question is.... Was it the decision to give my sister a sweet sixteen party or the decision to put on the mask of self-confidence that led me to the adventures, friends, and experiences I had as an adult? What if I had not decided to do one or the other?

Meet Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie

I wish I could remember how old I was the year the three of us went to an overnight church summer camp. We were gone for almost a week, and I have very few memories of that experience. However, I really do remember meeting Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie.

Our stay at camp was only about half over when I first met Minnie, Mickey, and Mickie. They were three tiny field mice. They had no hair, and their eyes were not open. They were so small and helpless. After several hours, there was no sign of the parents, so my counselor allowed me to take them back to camp. We found a match box and lined it with kleenex and put the babies in. The nurse gave me a small eye-dropper and I began feeding the babies milk every couple of hours, day and night.

When my mother came to pick us up, she was not too pleased to meet my new found pets. I begged and tried the "they will die if I have to leave them" routine. It didn't work. Finally the camp nurse and the camp director talked to my mother. They told her about my dedication to the babies, and she finally gave in. They were still hairless, blind, and totally dependent so it couldn't be that bad. We stopped and got a small cage and a book on caring for rodents (Guinea pigs I think) on the way home and I promised that they would remain in the garage, which they did, usually.

After a couple of weeks, these tiny babies were regular mice, and they found all sorts of ways out of the cage, much to my mother's dismay. We finally had to take them to a field several miles away, and let them go. Mom was no longer willing to provide food and shelter for them. The experience however, led to my sister and I feeling quite comfortable with lab animals and fostered out interest in medicine. As teenagers, we acquired several white mice, performed a variety of procedures on them, skin grafts mostly, and nursed them back to health. Our biology teachers were impressed with our ability to work with, and care for the animals. Our anesthetic and surgical procedures were very clean. Both of us learned to suture the wounds, and none of our "patients" died. My sister went on to become a nurse; I tried radiology for several years, and at one point in my life tried to open a hospice, but that is another story. I think that was the first time I made a decision that my parents were uncomfortable with.

I wonder if my love of medicine would have developed without those first babies?

Early Choices Start Things Rolling. . . .

My mother always felt that children learn about making choices by starting early. One early option given to me was whether to give up my morning nap or my afternoon nap. I always did like my naps, especially when I could sleep out in the back yard. My answer was neither, so she made the decision for me; the morning nap had to go in favor of Kindergarten.

When I started school we did not have two cars in every garage, and we often had to walk. The school was 8 blocks away, with two busy streets to cross, and my mother had three children in 25 months. She was not too keen on walking me, and pulling a wagon containing my sister and brother, up the hill. The answer to her prayers was a series of new kindergarteners between us and the school. Mom, my sister and brother escorted me to Eileen's home (2 blocks away). Eileen's mother escorted the two of us to Norma's home (3 blocks away). Norma's mother and little sister joined us as we walked to Peggy's home, which was just across the street and around the corner from school. Peggy's mother saw all of us into the classroom. Coming home was just the reverse. Peggy's mother, younger sister and brother got us down the hill to Norma's and so forth. Isn't team work wonderful? As we grew older we continued to travel to school as a group, and through the years the group grew larger. By the time we were in junior high school, we were walking 2 1/2 miles each way and picking up between 8 and 12 girls on the way.

The friendships formed that year were strong for the next 13 years, and most of us graduated together. Although Peggy's family moved to Arvada, we were still close and attended each other's graduation. At the ripe old age of 8 years old, each of us was given the option of joining Brownies or Blue Birds. As a group we opted for Blue Birds and Peggy's mother and my mother were the leaders. Since Peggy lived so close to school, and had a trampoline in the back yard, that was the best place for us to meet. We had a wonderful time learning to do crafts, learning about service, nature, and taking responsibility for our actions. Those years together brought us closer together and ultimately changed my life, but we will get into that much later.

I wonder what my childhood would have been like if I had actually opted for afternoon Kindergarten?

An Introduction...

When I was a child I dreamed of becoming a well-known writer. I was going to write wonderful stories full of adventure, facinating people, and great heroic women. You know... fiction. Many of the papers I had to write for school began to take on these qualities. More than once I was called in to discuss my latest paper with an order to "Stick to the assigned topic and guidelines if you want a decent grade." As you might expect, my tendency to let my mind soar eventually dulled, and I became the "model" student writing only what was expected.

I did well in school, and life continued but it did not even faintly resemble my childhood dreams. Not that it was bad; just that I don't remember making many conscious decisions about my life or the direction it took. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I did make some crucial decisions and many of the adventures I have had, as well as many of the heartaches I have had are a direct result of decisions that were made with little or no thought.

I would like the opportunity to write down some of these adventures, and maybe some of the heartaches. As you will see, many of the activities I have had the opportunity to enjoy are the result of "knee jerk" reactions to outside stimuli. Somehow it seems that those moments that I think about and actions that I "practice" never seem to come about. However, I often find myself in situations where I think I have to act quickly, and the result is usually unpredictable to this rather unsophistocated individual.

I hope you will find these entries to your liking. Some may be entertaining, others may contain a lesson or moral that was very important to me, and may strike a chord with you. I know that my life is not deep, and these thoughts probably will not be deep either. They are the result of sixty plus years of living a relatively uneventful life with moments of magic and wonder, and moments of deep sorrow and pain.