I Need Thee Every Hour....

Sometimes the best decision we make can become one of the hardest to maintain, and one of the hardest to truthfully write about. However, since I have embarked on this journey, I feel it is only right that I discuss all of the major decisions that I have made.

I had a wonderful friend in Peggy. She was one of the first people outside of my family that I met and really liked. Her mother was almost a second mother to me. Peggy's home was the last stop on our way to elementary school, and she had a sister the same age as my sister and a brother the same age as my brother. When I was not at home, I was at her home. I knew most of her extended family and even went with her cousin "Dutch" to his senior prom.

At the tender age of 14 Peggy, her mother, sister, and brother joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Peggy immediately asked me to attend Mutual with her (the youth group that met on Wednesday evenings). My sister went with Marty (Peggy's sister), and we really enjoyed the evenings. There was singing, lessons, activities and we soon found ourselves attending the dances, service projects, participating in Road Shows and eventually attending Sacrament and Sunday School. My parents were fine with us going with Peggy and her family as they were not particularly religious and realized that we were going to be safe and cared for with this group.

Several months later we had the opportunity to take the investigator discussions from two young missionaries. Again, my parents were very supportive. When we decided that we wanted to be baptised, they asked a couple of questions, and then determined that it was okay with them. They hoped that we would follow the Word of Wisdom which meant no "alcohol, tobacco, or non-prescribed drugs". They liked the chastity and modesty training that we were taught, and they were able to agree with a lot of the doctrine.

I must admit that my sister was much more resolved than I was. When she and her husband were married, it was with the stipulation that he would be baptised before they were married and that they would be sealed in the temple 12 months later (which indeed happened). Her children were all born in the church and constantly raised by two loving, committed parents.

My first marriage was to a non-member who ended up having no desire to even consider taking the discussions. I married him anyway (because again I was afraid that no one would ever love me). I would find out later that he didn't love me either. I became very disillusioned and consequently inactive.

I married again, a non-member who eventually joined the church. He was working with the cadets (teenagers) in CAP and he fell in love with my two little boys. He was a bit older than I was, and I felt very safe with him. I could not imagine him hitting me or the children. This time I was determined to do it right. I went to my church meetings, accepted callings, tried to keep a loving clean home. We were even sealed in the temple, and I tried with all my might to be worthy of him. Again, I was not able to do it. It seemed the harder I tried, the less interested in me he became. Finally, it was to the point that he would not even want to talk with me or listen to my pleas for him to pay a little attention to my needs. He did not trust me to properly care for our children (he had adopted the two from my first marriage and we had four more), and he certainly did not trust me to cook for or entertain his family or friends. He did not like any of my needlework so I was not to place any pictures, pillows, etc. where they might be seen (in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom).

I soon found myself with no friends, no support system, and absolutely no self-esteem. I had let Satan back into my life and he stripped me of all my self-confidence. I left the marriage and for several years fought the urge to take my own life. I was not active in the church because "I did not deserve those blessings" in my life.

I am sure that you realize that this is not the thinking of a rational person, but nowhere am I claiming that I was rational. I know that the closer I came to my Heavenly Father, the harder Satan worked on me; and this time he hit the jackpot. I have never remarried, and I have no intention of doing so at this late date. I was not a model of chastity, modesty, moderation, humility, or self-control for many years. The ones that truly suffered were my children. They are all much stronger than their mother thanks to the love and nurturing they received from their father, church leaders, teachers, home teachers, and scouting advisors.

I have since repented of all of the sins that I was party to. I have spent hours with my bishop, stake and ward priesthood advisers, home teachers, visiting teachers, and I have prayed for forgiveness from my Savior. I have asked my children for forgiveness, and I am working very hard to be worthy of them. I know that my salvation is a personal thing, and that I am responsible for potentially ruining all chance for exaltation (as that is a family thing). I pray daily for forgiveness as I try to work on those things that will potentially lead me away from my goal of returning to my Heavenly Father. I also know that my husband did the best he could. He did not realize before hand that his "wife" was an emotional wreck or that she would be so "high maintenance". He always did the best he could and I admire him for that now. It is really too bad that I couldn't give him that consideration 26 years ago.

In the meantime, I try not to dwell on those bad decisions that I made and I try to counsel my children on the importance of remaining close to their Savior Jesus Christ. I also counsel them to marry only when they are reasonably sure that they have found someone they want to spend eternity with. I know that I will never know the joy of that kind of relationship. I have witnessed others who have found it and have been able to cultivate it and make it stronger. I have great admiration for them.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him; and that He will help me as long as I remain faithful to Him. I pray daily; I read my scriptures; I do not judge others; I serve when and where I can; I work very hard at keeping those demons away from my mind. Every morning I consciously make the decision to try again. Every evening I repent of those things I am aware of that were not pleasing to my Savior. Every hour I am aware of "whose" help I need.