Repentance

As time goes by, we find that some things become more evident to us that they once were. I have found that my reliance on my Heavenly Father, and upon my Savior Jesus Christ, is much stronger and that I need them every day.

About 8 years ago I purchased a home so that my mother could retire and move in with me. We wanted it to be our home, not a a case of one or the other of us moving in to an established environment. As luck would have it, my daughter moved in also, so we were three generations in one home. I think it was wonderful. I will admit that I am prejudiced, but I loved having both of them there. We had plenty of common area and each of us had our own personal space. There was a nice yard and a beautiful deck, once we got some landscaping done.

My first visitors were from the Ward and included the Bishop and his two councilors. They were quickly followed by the Relief Society President and her two councilors in about 3 hours. My daughter and I are members, but my mother never felt the desire to join the church. I promised her that I would not pressure her, and there was no reason for her to doubt my promise. I hadn't been all that active for the previous 20 plus years. However, there was something about those visits. The people obviously genuinely cared about me. They understood that I had not been active, and that I needed more in my life. I felt love. For the first time in many, many years I felt real love and I respond well to love. I wanted more; I craved more. I began attending the meetings every week; accepted a calling as a Visiting Teacher and one as a Family History Consultant.

I began meeting more members of the ward as I would visit in their homes and talk to them about family history work. We began each visit with a prayer and ended each evening with a prayer. I began praying at home and studying the lessons. There was still something wrong, and I knew what it was, I was just afraid to take the action necessary. Over the years I had committed several acts that were not in keeping with my membership in the church. I had broken the word of wisdom, and some of the covenants that I had made with my Savior. I needed to repent. I needed to visit with the Bishop about this.

I was nervous as I waited for that first appointment. What would he think of me? How would I ever be able to look at him once he found out what an awful person I was? How had it come about that I was even in this position? I can't even begin to write about the awful feelings I had. However, once I walked into that office, and he took my hand, I realized that although it was going to be hard, I would be able to tell him everything, and he would be able to help me. I poured out all of the garbage collected over the previous 20 years, and some of it really stunk. He gave me activities that I needed to do including assigned reading, praying, and additional visits. We met several times, discussed what I had been reading including my feelings and thoughts about the selections. What I thought was important to him. He would council me and give me additional activities to do.

Before all was done, he asked me to visit with each of my children and ask for their forgiveness, confessing everything I knew I did that hurt them in one way or another. That was hard. I had not been the always there, patient, kind, long, suffering mother. I had left their father. My actions had made their lives much harder than they should have been. Each of my children told me that they had forgiven me many years earlier. Several of them reminded me that they were endowed and that they had forgiven me before they went to the temple. After gallons of tears, weeks of extra meetings, constant reading, many, many prayers, Bishop's court and other restrictions, I felt the burden of all those years begin to lift. The final night was filled with meditation, tears, and council from my Heavenly Father. I knew then that he loved me, that He knew my heart, and that I would not leave me as long as I did not leave Him.

Since then I have felt the presence of the Holy Ghost, something that I had not felt for many, many years. Life has had many ups and downs and there seems to be a new twist almost every month or two, but through it all I have known that I would not be abandoned. The ward has been there for me, my visiting teachers, home teachers, and local leaders have been there to strengthen me. I have received guidance and council, and I have felt my Father's love. I have felt the atonement work for me. Now I know where I priorities lie. I look for ways to serve; to feed His sheep; to be what He wants me to be. I am not saying that I have it all down pat; that is an incredible stretch. However, at least I realize what the goal is now, and I know that as long as I do the best I can, my Savior will make up the rest. I don't know what will happen when I stand before Him, but I do know that He loves me.

By the way, I am still a visiting teacher, and I am still a Family History Consultant. They are awsome callings.