Expectations.....

It is amazing how often we humans, especially we very human mothers, inadvertently "interfere" where our presence is not needed or necessarily wanted. It is also sad when such "interference" causes hard feelings between parent and child. My child is 28 years old. She is a delightful young woman, and I have always felt that she had a reasonably good head on her shoulders. I have not had problems with the young men that she dated in the past. After all, she is responsible, has been raised to stand up for her morals and principles, and she has five older brothers if something goes wrong. Now all of a sudden, I find myself acting like the proverbial "witch" (I used a "w"), harping at her and not giving her choice of men a chance. Did she suddenly lose her mind? Where are her priorities? Have things changed all that much?

What a complicated issue! I am going to sort it out here because this appears to be a perfectly safe place to do so. 1 - She is still my daughter, and I think she still has a good head on her shoulders. She is just very interested in a young man who does not happen to live where we do. He does not have the same background we do, which may or may not be a plus, and he has her full attention. 2 - "We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and he loves each one of us." That means He loves this young man and my daughter as much as he loves me (I hope). At the moment he is probably not very proud of me. 3 - "I need to learn to love more." "I need to learn to serve more." "I need to learn to be more patient and tolerant." (I think that is actually 3, 4, and 5.) There is way too much truth in all of those statements.

This young man came from Texas to Colorado to meet my daughter (they have been corresponding and talking on the phone for four months) and her family. We had planned a family bar-b-cue for him. He was nervous and I was not impressed with my first look at him. He wore studded leather (I think), a t-shirt, tattoos, voluntarily shaved his head, and has a goatee. I had just come from church and would rather have seen a young man in slacks, collared shirt, tie, conservative haircut (unless he is follicle challenged as most of my sons are), and carrying his scriptures under his arm. (Alright, we can all dream.)

As we ate dinner this brave soul offered to answer our questions. I asked him about his dreams and goals. His answer was that he doesn't have any ("red flag"). His life has been hard. He has worked since dropping out of school ("red flag"); and he does not feel he has the option of setting goals or dreaming. My thought is that if you do not have goals you will never move ahead. He is just letting life push and pull him along. He is reactive not proactive. My daughter is generally a very proactive person. He does not have a high school education, my daughter is going to college. (Please let her continue with her goal of getting her RN). All I could see are "red flags". All she sees is a young man who is misunderstood my most of society, and who needs her to help him realize his potential.

After dinner he asks me where he should get his next tattoo(there it is again). I was not sure what to say. I wanted to say something to the effect that he should have the ones he has removed, but I knew that was the wrong thing to say at this point in time. Looking back, I can see it was supposed to be a joke, but I sure didn't see it as one. This man has my daughter's full attention, and he is not the "return missionary" I was expecting she would select as the object of her affection. I was awful. I decided it was more important to put a door knob on my son's bedroom door than stay outside and visit with this guest who could potentially become my son-in-law. When it came time for them to leave, they were going to spend time with my daughters best friend, I said, "Nice to meet you, have a great trip back to Texas!" How's that for rude? I should be shot.

What a hypocrite I am!! I not only lost all of my manners, I closed the door to getting to know this young man better. Can you say "REPENT"; ask for forgiveness from your daughter as well as her friend? Do it now!! Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk to you or trust you. You have done nothing to merit his trust. The fact of the matter is, he could very well be a wonderful person, full of tender feelings for my daughter, and capable of making her happy. Who is to say that the "clean cut, return missionary" won't ever hurt her emotionally or physically? Just because he is from Texas does not mean he is incapable of properly caring for her. Just because he lives in the "middle of nowhere" does that mean that he isn't housebroken or is socially unacceptable? Does the fact that he has had a hard life mean he can't provide a safe and secure home for a wife and children? It may sound as if I am jumping the gun here, but that is exactly where her heart is headed.

I know the answers to those questions. My father was not "acceptable" to my grandparents, but he did provide for us. They were married 54 years before he died, and he did his best for all of us. He learned to set goals and to dream. He already knew how to work. He took classes to learn new skills including radio and TV repair, property management, and real estate brokerage. He was a carpenter most of his life, but when construction was down, he always found a way to meet our needs. He was involved in our lives, building our day camps, overnight camps, volunteering in CAP, and scouting. He was a good husband and father.

I do not want the kind of strained relationship my father had with my grandparents. I want my daughters-in-law and son-in-law to feel totally accepted and loved by me and by our family. It has to start with the tone I set, and therefore, I have a lot of work to do. I will do it; I love my daughter too much not to do it. If either of you read this, I am so sorry. Please give me another chance.